Let's be clear: The most painful arguments are not with people who don't love you. They are with people who do, but who are fluent in a language your brain doesn't speak.

You're on the phone with your parents. You're trying to explain why the problem set for your class at WashU is still not done. You use words like "executive dysfunction" and "task paralysis." They hear "excuses." They reply with a lecture, disguised as love, about your "potential." You end the call feeling exhausted, misunderstood, and like the "smart kid" they've always been so proud of is a complete fraud.

The problem is not that your parents don't love you. The problem is that they, like the rest of the world, were sold a lie. They were taught that effort is a direct result of willpower. This is the foundational myth of a neurotypical-normative world, and it is a form of systemic gaslighting that forces you to constantly defend your own biological reality.

The Neurobiological Truth Bomb

You cannot win an argument about neurology with someone who does not have the data. Stop being the translator and let the science do the talking.

This is not just a communication gap; it is a neurobiological one. And the research gives it a name: communication difficulties between neurotypes are a mutual problem — the "Double Empathy Problem" — not a deficit in autistic people. Your parents aren't failing to understand because they don't care. They're failing because their neurotypical brain literally lacks the experiential framework to map your experience onto.

The frustration goes both ways. They can't understand why you "won't just do it." You can't understand why they can't see that "just doing it" requires neurological resources you don't have available. Both of you are speaking your native neurological language and hearing gibberish from the other side. Judging autistic communication by neurotypical standards leads to misinterpretation. And judging neurotypical understanding by neurodivergent expectations leads to heartbreak.

  • Your Parents' Language (Neurotypical OS): Their brain's operating system is built on concepts of linear time and consistent output. In their language, "not doing the thing" translates to "not wanting to do the thing."

  • Your Language (ADHD OS): Your brain's operating system is driven by interest and dopamine. In your language, "not doing the thing" translates to "I do not have the available neurological resources to do the thing right now."

When you try to explain your reality, their brains, which lack the conceptual library for your experience, return an error: "Does not compute. Must be an excuse."

Why Arguing Harder Won't Work

Here's what nobody tells you: the Double Empathy Problem means this communication breakdown is structural, not personal. You will never argue your parents into understanding your neurology through sheer emotional force. It's not a debate you can win with better logic — because the gap isn't logical. It's experiential. They have never felt task paralysis. They have no file folder for it. Telling them louder won't create the file folder.

That's why you need a translator — not words, but data.

A Professional Translation Guide

This is where you bring in a professional translation guide. The Enlitens "User Manual" you receive from our assessments is not a note from your doctor to get you out of trouble. It is a powerful, objective, evidence-based document that de-personalizes the conflict. It takes the conversation out of the realm of dueling opinions and places it into the neutral territory of science.

Here is a script for introducing it:

1. Frame the Invitation: "Hey, I've been doing some deep work to understand my own brain better. I have a guide here that explains the science of how my brain is wired. It's not about making excuses; it's about understanding the operating system. It would mean the world to me if you would be open to reading it, so we can finally have a shared language for this."

2. Use the "User Manual" Analogy: "For years, it's felt like my brain is a Mac in a world designed for PCs. It's not broken, but it requires a different approach. This guide explains the science behind my Executive Function and why the constant 'translation' is why I get so exhausted."

3. Make a Specific Request: "There's a section in here about the neuroscience of task initiation that I think would really help you understand why I struggle with things that seem easy to you. Could we maybe look at that part together?"

4. Anticipate Their Resistance: They might say "I don't believe in all that" or "We didn't have ADHD in my day." Don't argue. Try: "I know this might feel unfamiliar. I'm not asking you to believe it right now. I'm just asking you to be curious about it. For me." Research confirms: co-regulation — feeling safe in the presence of another regulated nervous system — is the foundation for every healthy relationship. Your calm request models the bridge.

What If They Still Don't Get It?

Some parents won't come around immediately. That's okay. This isn't about winning a single conversation — it's about planting seeds.

  • Keep sharing: Short articles, podcast episodes, anything that introduces the concepts without requiring them to "admit they were wrong."
  • Name the pattern: "I notice we keep having the same fight. I think we're speaking different languages about this. That's what the Double Empathy Problem is."
  • Protect yourself: You are allowed to set boundaries on conversations that feel invalidating. "I love you, and I need to stop this conversation before it hurts us both."
  • Get your own support: Whether or not they come around, you deserve someone who speaks your language. That's what we're here for.

This approach isn't confrontational. It is an invitation to curiosity and partnership. The goal is partnership, not victory. Read about why you're not faking it, explore the Double Empathy Problem, or when you're ready for your translation guide: Get your user manual →

Part of: Practical Guides Hub → | Related: Imposter Syndrome · Double Empathy Problem