Let's be honest. You're here because something is going on with your kid, and your goal is to fix it. You're exhausted, you're worried, and you just want someone to give you a clear plan of action.

First, let me validate that. You are doing the right thing. Looking for help is a sign of incredible parenting.

But I need you to take a breath and pause the "fix-it" mission for a second. Because the way we frame this first conversation with our kids can be the difference between them shutting down and them opening up.

The "Check Engine" Light Misconception

Most of us were raised to think of therapy as a place you go when you're broken, like a car with a check engine light on. The expert runs a diagnostic, tells you what's wrong, and fixes the part.

When we use this frame with our kids, even accidentally, they hear one thing: "There is something wrong with me." It immediately puts them on the defensive and makes them feel like a problem to be solved, not a person to be understood.

And here's the neuroscience behind why this matters: the nervous system evaluates risk without conscious awareness through a process called neuroception. Your child's brainstem is reading your tone, your face, your body language for cues of safety or threat — before their thinking brain even engages. If your own nervous system is broadcasting "something is wrong," their neuroception picks that up and goes into defense mode. The conversation is over before it starts.

We have to throw that entire frame in the trash.

The Reframe: A Mission Briefing

We're not taking the car to the shop. We are launching a detective mission. And you are here to give your kid the mission briefing.

Think of your child's brain like the City Museum. It's brilliant, creative, filled with incredible details and secret passages, and you can't possibly understand how it all works on the first visit. It doesn't come with a simple map. An assessment isn't a judgment; it's us partnering with your kid to be a detective and draw that map together.

And the science backs up why this framing works: co-regulation — feeling safe in the presence of another regulated nervous system — is a critical precursor to developing self-regulation. When you frame this conversation from a place of curiosity and calm, you are literally providing the co-regulatory scaffolding your child's nervous system needs to feel safe enough to engage with the idea.

Your Step-by-Step Script

Here is the practical, word-for-word script. Not a theory, a tool.

Step 1: The Set-Up. (Find a calm, neutral moment.) "Hey, I've noticed that things have been feeling a little tough for you lately with [insert specific, non-judgmental observation, like 'getting frustrated with homework' or 'navigating friendships']. First, I want you to know you're not in any trouble. I'm on your team, always."

Step 2: The "Detective" Analogy. "I know someone who is basically a detective for brains. Her job is to help people understand their own brain's instruction manual. It's not a doctor's visit. There are no shots or anything like that. It's more like playing games and talking, so she can help figure out how your specific brain works best."

Step 3: The "Superpowers" Goal. "The whole point of this is to find your brain's unique superpowers. For real. Some brains are amazing at details, some are super creative, some are really fast. We're going to meet with her to figure out what your superpowers are, and how we can help you use them better at school and with friends. This is about making things easier and more fun for you."

Navigating Their Questions

Your child might have follow-up questions. Here's how to handle the big ones:

  • If they ask, "Am I in trouble?": "Absolutely not. This is the opposite of trouble. This is about us getting you the support you deserve."

  • If they ask, "Is something wrong with me?": "There is nothing wrong with you. Every brain is different, and we're just trying to learn more about yours. This is for any kid who wants to understand themselves better."

  • If they seem scared: Don't explain more. Get quieter. Sit closer. Let your regulated nervous system do the work. Remember: co-regulation is the mechanism. Your calm is the intervention.

  • If they refuse: Don't push. Say "Okay. We don't have to talk about this now. I just wanted you to know it's an option whenever you're ready." Then revisit in a few days. Pressure = threat to neuroception. Patience = safety signal.

What NOT to Say

  • Don't say: "We're going to get you tested." → They hear: something is wrong.
  • Don't say: "You need help." → They hear: you can't handle this yourself.
  • Don't say: "The doctor will figure out what's going on." → They hear: I'm a mystery to be solved.
  • Instead: "We're going to learn your instruction manual." → They hear: I'm interesting enough to study.

You're not dropping them off to be fixed. You're giving them a gift that goes beyond just "getting by." You're giving them the gift of figuring themselves out, first. Read about how the assessment actually works, explore the science of co-regulation, or when you're ready to start the mission: Start the mission →

Part of: Neurodiversity Hub → | Related: Science of Play Assessment · Co-Regulation Guide