Let's dismantle the biggest lie you believe about yourself: You are not a "nice person." You are not a "people-pleaser." You are a highly skilled hostage negotiator, and you have been living in a constant state of crisis your entire life.

You re-read every email twenty times before sending, scanning for any possible misinterpretation. You apologize when someone bumps into you. You lie awake at night replaying a conversation from three days ago, terrified you said the wrong thing. Your entire life is a performance of agreeableness designed to prevent one thing: the catastrophic, full-body pain of someone being disappointed in you.

And here's the part that validates everything you've ever felt about this: it is not "all in your head." Social pain is processed by the brain in the same neural regions as physical pain. That's not a metaphor. That's fMRI data. When someone criticizes you and your body lights on fire, your brain is literally running the same pain circuits it would run if someone slapped you across the face. You have been telling yourself you're "overreacting" to a neurological event that your body experiences as legitimate injury.

What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is not just "getting your feelings hurt." It is a legitimate, near-instantaneous, and overwhelming physical and emotional pain response triggered by the perception of rejection. Research suggests this is linked to the way the ADHD brain's emotional regulation centers — including the cerebellum and prefrontal cortex — are wired, creating an intense, whole-body reaction that is not a conscious choice.

And the neuroscience goes deeper: interpersonal dysfunction is tied to alterations in the Default Mode Network (DMN) and the oxytocin system, leading to rejection sensitivity and unstable attachments. The DMN is the brain's self-referential storytelling network — the part that asks, "What does this mean about me?" When your DMN is hyperactive and your oxytocin system is altered, every ambiguous social signal becomes a story about rejection. Your brain isn't misreading the situation. It's reading a different book.

The Three Faces of Your Negotiator

The world has praised you for being "so easy to work with" and "so accommodating." It has rewarded your perfectionism. What it has failed to understand is that these are not personality traits; they are the desperate, hypervigilant strategies of a nervous system that experiences disapproval as a mortal threat. The system didn't praise your kindness; it exploited your trauma response.

Your hostage negotiator wears three faces:

  • The Perfectionist: If I do everything perfectly, no one can criticize me. (This is an exhausting, unsustainable preemptive strike against rejection.)

  • The People-Pleaser: If I make everyone happy, no one will be disappointed in me. (This is a camouflage tactic — you become invisible by becoming whatever everyone needs you to be.)

  • The Ghost: If I withdraw and don't try, I can't be rejected. (This is the nuclear option — total avoidance. It's the most painful face because it costs you everything.)

This is especially true in a place like St. Louis, with its deep-rooted professional culture where the pressure to conform, to have the right answer to the "High School Question," and to never rock the boat is immense. Your brain learned early that fitting in perfectly was the only way to stay safe.

The Archaeological Mission

Your Archaeological Mission (for the next 24 hours):

Just notice. Don't try to change anything. Become an archaeologist of your own threat responses.

  • When did you apologize when it wasn't your fault?

  • When did you say "yes" when your body was screaming "no"?

  • What was the perceived threat you were trying to de-escalate?

  • Which negotiator face were you wearing? (Perfectionist, People-Pleaser, or Ghost)

And when you catch yourself in the act, remember this: knowing and using your personal strengths is associated with better wellbeing, regardless of ADHD status. Your hyper-awareness of social cues is a genuine strength. It makes you an extraordinary friend, partner, and colleague. The work isn't to kill the negotiator — it's to promote them from "desperate hostage survivor" to "skilled diplomat." Same sensitivity. Different job description.

Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It is a finely-tuned surveillance system that has kept you safe. The work of ADHD & executive function support is not to dismantle that system, but to teach you how to read its reports without letting it take you hostage.

You are not broken. You are a survivor who has been working a second, unpaid job your whole life. It's time to resign — and get a severance package. Read about the cost of masking, explore polyvagal theory, or when you're ready: Draft the resignation letter →

Part of: Neurodiversity Hub → | Related: Masking & Burnout · Polyvagal Theory · The Wall of Awful